Before your holiday travel, I wanted to refresh you on proper Diva airline and airport rules:
- Remember that the concourses at the airport are NATURAL runways. WORK IT. You have to be ON. That's 5, and 6, and turn, and walk. BE Christy Turlington. Go with sunglasses and a scarf - very Hollywood.
- Don't let those trashy flight attendants tell you what to do. If they knew anything at all about getting a man, they simply would NOT be serving Cokes in a polyester pantsuit nor would they be able to fit all of their clothing for a trip into a single bag. Put your foot DOWN honey - right from the very beginning.
- When they make the announcement about seat-backs and tray tables, they do NOT mean you. Take all the room you need honey, for those cosmetics. That thing about turning off all portable electronics does NOT apply to lighted vanity mirrors, curling irons or blow-dryers.
- When the captain makes the announcement about decending, do NOT let him rush you. If you are not finished putting your look together, hit your "call" button and have him circle for a while. You paid for that ticket honey - now get your MONEY'S worth.
- That rule about 2 pieces of carry-on is simply UNACCEPTABLE. In the event of an emergency landing, you simply MUST have access to a sporty outfit and a shoe with a modest heel. For a water landing, a one-piece swimsuit with a matching swim cap is a must. You can't be expected to fit all of that into 2 carry-ons. Now they are cutting it to ONE carry-on for even their most attractive customers. Are these people crazy or what? Oh, and ignore that thing about leaving carry-on luggage behind in an emergency. No one MOVES until that luggage is accounted for.
- When they have determined at what gate you will be arriving, have the captain call ahead to the gate for soft lighting. You do NOT want to be looking like a deer in headlights when you get off the plane.
- Do NOT be the first one off the plane. Make him WAIT. Get yourself together and take your TIME. When you walk though the gate, he should be standing there with long-stemmed roses, imported chocolates, and most importantly - a luggage cart.
